The World Is Out There and It’s Waiting

So the other night Dave came over to get his painting. He told me very gracefully that there wouldn’t be anything between us. I just turned away and lead him inside after I threw my cigarette and agreed with him and cried internally.

I gave him the painting and he hugged me hard, rubbing my back and all. I hate being against his body because it makes my body feel good.

Then I introduced him to my kitten (who I was mistaken about…apparently kitty testicles resemble kitty vaginas. He’s a boy. His name is Elliott) and he fell in love. He made himself comfortable on my couch and held him close. I’ve always been jealous of kittens but never like this.

When he left he hugged me again, long and hard. I hated every minute of it. I savored every minute of it. Then he was gone and I was left to love a bottle of wine.

I guess it doesn’t matter anyway since I’m in like with Drew.

But Dave will just always be there, tearing at my head and crawling beneath my skin and into my veins and staying there like a beautiful, alcoholic parasite.

God I’m mean.

It’s also his Facebook picture.
Joy of joys.

Changes

American Spirit cigarettes are now seven dollars everywhere. I guess it’s time for me to quit since I hate smoking anything else.

Anyway, I have a to do list. Some of these things can be done today, some can’t.

1. Clean my room.
2. Go through my clothes and post rejects on ebay or give to Goodwill.
3. Learn how to knit socks.
4. Start crocheting again.
5. Make more art.
6. Be more proactive in school.
7. Stand up for myself.
8. Find better ways of dealing with stress.
9. Lose weight.
10. Gain some control.

I think it’s a good list. It’s probably going to be difficult but…whatever. When have I not done what I needed to do?

Okay. My deal with myself was that after I posted this I’d get up and do my room. So, time to go…

Maybe I should just dye my hair blue.

Oh gosh, Life….

Sitting in Panera, my new place of employment. I’m not working right now but I decided that hanging out here at night would be good to see people working and such. Too bad I’m freezing.

Anyway, there’s been a lot going on. Lots of nervous breakdowns and depression. I don’t really want to talk about it now but expect a huge post soon.

Just wanted to remind myself I’m alive.

Now give me the wind!

Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe topful
Of direst cruelty!

All These People Singing, Are We Free Now?

I have not updated in a long time, sorry about that. Not that anyone reads this anyway. I don’t know, maybe someone does…

Moving on. First things first: I got a kitten! Her name is Leelah. Her head is the size of half my fist and when she curls up she’s the size of my hand.

She loves to climb on me. I have claw marks on my neck to prove it. But I love her so much. She’s a smart kitty =]

I’m not Elizabeth’s friend anymore. In a nutshell she was incredibly willing to put my life in danger the other night because she played favorites with her friends instead of just sticking to the original plans I had for us. She’s blaming me and telling me I let her down when really her selfishness and insecurities have finally taken over her feeble mind. I don’t need to be friends with someone like that. Plus, she talked shit about Will to my face. Instant dismissal.

I still have a burning desire for someone.

It’s Will’s birthday this Friday. I don’t want to go for a few reasons:

1. I don’t want to be away from Leelah, and I don’t want to bring her becaue theres going to be a bunch of drunk people who could end up hurting her by accident.
2. I don’t feel like drinking this weekend.
3. The girl he drunkenly fucks is going to be there. Awkward. Apparently she wants to meet me which is even more wrong. So they’re going to be drunk and stoned and if they end up going at it I’m leaving. If I have drank, I’ll call Drew or Jacob. Either way I’m not dealing with that. I don’t care if they do, it’s just tht fact that I’ll be there.
4. Leelah unraveled half his birthday present.
5. No gas or money.
6. I have things I gotta do.

But it’s his birthday and I cant not go, he’s my best friend.
As for reason number 5 I guess I could get him to pick me up…

I’ve had the oddest urge to give Steven a call. It’s been over a year since we last talked. I don’t know why I want to call him. I don’t know if I should. I looked him up on Facebook. He still looks the same. The owner of my virginity. Isn’t it some sort of universal rule (Catholics excluded) that you’re not supposed to talk to the people who take your virginity? Probably. That makes me want to call him even more. I never follow the rules.

Maybe I should just flip a coin.

This is what I wanted

This is what I found.

This is what I don’t have right now.

This is what I want

Ugh

I hate cramps.

I hate that I don’t have a job.

I hate that I’m broke.

I hate that I’m in a horrible situation regarding my love life.

I hate that I’m in the sun.

I love my relapse.

I didn’t want

this

Blah blah

Blah
I hate hangovers

Sunstroke

That is what I have.

Three hours in the sun at the flea market and I only sold TWO paintings. *Insert curse words here*

TWO.

Anyway, here’s a few. The first is one I sold. I don’t have a pic of the other one unfortunately, but oh well.

In other ponderous news…

WHY CAN’T I KNIT SOCKS?!

I get to a certain point on my DPNs and it just all falls apart. If it’s one thing I hate it’s failing, an another is giving up.

So I wont do either, but I can’t rush it. One day I WILL make socks!